Breaking Free: My Journey Through Social Anxiety and Obsessive Patterns

Growing up, I spent a lot of time battling social anxiety. It shaped so much of my life—how I saw myself, how I interacted with others, and even how I coped with the challenges that came my way. Looking back, the journey from being consumed by anxiety to finding peace within myself feels like a story worth sharing, not just for the lessons I learned, but also for anyone else who might feel stuck in the same cycle.

The First Memory: Shame on the Soccer Field

I can still remember the first time social anxiety took root. I was around 8 or 9 years old, playing soccer baseball during gym class. When my turn came at the plate, I completely missed the ball. The laughter that followed cut through me like a knife. I didn’t just feel embarrassed; I felt deep, overwhelming shame. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. That experience left a mark, one that made me hesitant to try anything where I might fail in front of others.

As I got older, social situations became increasingly difficult. I never felt like I knew the “right” thing to say, especially in groups. My mind would go blank, leaving me feeling awkward and out of place. Physical symptoms didn’t make it any easier—by Grade 7, nerves would cause me to sweat through my shirt. When I noticed it happening, I’d throw on a sweatshirt to hide it, but that only made the sweating worse. Inevitably, someone would point it out, and my embarrassment would spiral. It felt like I was caught in an endless loop of anxiety, shame, and self-consciousness.

The Perfection Trap

A big part of my social anxiety came from the belief that I had to be perfect. I thought that if I got good grades, was nice to everyone, and blended in with my peers, I could avoid judgment or rejection. But that pressure was suffocating.

When I switched schools to attend a different high school, I found myself in a new environment with almost none of my elementary school peers. I felt completely alone. Making new friends was daunting, and I wasn’t sure how to connect with others in a way that felt authentic. Instead, I began trying on different personas, adjusting myself to fit in wherever I could. While this approach sometimes worked on the surface, it left me feeling empty inside. Changing who I was to be liked didn’t feel like belonging—it felt like betrayal.

The Anxiety of Being Alone

Another challenge I faced was my discomfort with being alone. Being by myself often triggered anxiety, so I sought out relationships as a way to escape those feelings. Unfortunately, this led me into an unhealthy relationship in my early 20s. It was isolating and left me disconnected from my family and friends. My self-esteem hit an all-time low, and I struggled to see a way out. Looking back, I can see how my fear of loneliness kept me trapped in a situation that wasn’t good for me.

Obsessive Patterns and the Grip of Anxiety

Social anxiety wasn’t the only way anxiety showed up in my life. Over time, I developed obsessive patterns around various topics. The earliest was a fixation on my appearance—I became obsessed with perfecting my hair, spending countless minutes in the bathroom trying to “fix” it. These tendencies grew into more intense forms of anxiety, including health anxiety, chemophobia, and a preoccupation with being “moral” or “good.” Eventually, these patterns met the criteria for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

At its worst, my anxiety felt like an unstoppable force. It consumed my thoughts and dictated my actions. I felt stuck, like there was no way to break free.

Finding My Way Out

The turning point came when I started therapy. Specifically, I found Life Process Transformation therapy, which gave me a framework to understand and address the underlying causes of my anxiety. Through therapy, I learned how to sit with my emotions rather than trying to fight or avoid them. I began carving out quiet time for myself, allowing space to process my feelings and accept things as they were.

Psychoeducation about anxiety and OCD also played a crucial role in my recovery. Understanding the mechanisms of anxiety helped me see that I wasn’t broken—I was just caught in a cycle that could be interrupted. I stopped trying to “fix” everything in my mind and instead started focusing on creating new, meaningful experiences. Rather than obsessing over what might go wrong, I began to ask myself: What do I want to build? What kind of life do I want to live?

Rediscovering Myself

Through this journey, I learned that I didn’t need to change who I was to belong. I could show up as my authentic self and still find connection and acceptance. I also discovered that being alone wasn’t something to fear—it could be an opportunity to reconnect with myself and my values.

Today, I’m no longer consumed by social anxiety or obsessive patterns. That doesn’t mean life is always easy, but I’ve found tools and practices that help me navigate challenges with greater ease and self-compassion. My journey has taught me that healing is possible, even when it feels out of reach.

If you’re reading this and struggling with anxiety or obsessive thoughts, know that you’re not alone. There is a way out, and it begins with taking that first step toward understanding and accepting yourself. You are so much more than your anxiety, and you are capable of creating a life that feels whole and meaningful.